Reflections

2008-12-31T04:53:00.004Z

BE, DON'T JUST DO, IN 2009

Ever wonder why some of your best intentions don't come to pass? Why you struggle to do some of the things that you know that you should be doing? Or why you start off well and then a few months down the line find yourself repeating old habits?

These questions are particularly pertinent as we approach the new year, a time when many of us resolve to make changes and do things differently.

We live in a culture that is built on doing, achieving and striving... and many of us mistakenly believe that success comes from our external actions.

"Just do it", says Nike. That philosophy of 'just doing it' seems to make sense, but it is also flawed. It's flawed because it doesn't take into account the fact that all actions come first from thought. It is your thoughts that determine your actions. Therefore, the place where the bulk of your efforts should go in attempting to make changes in 2009 is towards working on your mind and your thought process. "Just doing it" will then be effortless.

The reason why many of us resolve to change, make some progress and then fall back into old habits is simply because we direct our energy towards the least effective place: towards the external rather than the internal.

Everything begins with a thought, so if you can condition your mind to think thoughts of abundance, health, happiness, love, peace and so on that is exactly what you will have. There will also be no struggle as your external world will directly mirror the renewed thoughts from your internal world.

Don't buy into the false notion that having or doing something is what positively or negatively influences your internal state. This is not true and is the recipe to unhappiness. The way that life works is that we ARE first and we DO second - not the other way around. If your actions are in conflict with what's in your mind, you will not see the results that you want.

This also means that where something hasn't gone the way we wanted in 2008 we can ask ourselves what we've been thinking and feeling to have produced the effects that we have manifested.

So, as we move into 2009 and set our resolutions maybe rather than talking about all of the things we're going to do, we should focus on working on our thoughts and feelings? That's what I'm gonna be doing anyway... Happy New Year

2008-07-23T19:10:00.002+01:00

The Best Is Yet To Come

"We must pour some out in order to get more in" - Lola Adesioye

Loss is always hard. We look back and we wonder what went wrong, what we could have done differently, why things happened the way they did. We grieve for what we will no longer have. This is, of course, only natural.

What's hardest in the midst of loss, and takes time to reach, is the space where you look at the benefits of that loss. Because with loss also comes opportunity. An opportunity to learn, an opportunity to do better next time, an opportunity to celebrate what you had and use it for good in the future, an opportunity for you to welcome something even greater into your life.

Maybe loss is telling us that the best is yet to come. Things pass and times change but that does not mean that life itself is over. Just as the leaves fall from the tree and the branches are bare for some time, the green leaves will appear again during the right season.

Without loss, where is our gain? Sometimes we have to let something go in order to make way for more.

In the middle of it, it's hard to see that there is much good in where you are. It's hard to see that there is good to come. Loss hurts and the pain can overwhelm you. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you deal with your grief, you will realize that your best is yet to come.

2008-02-16T17:04:00.002Z

This is one of my favourite quotes ever...

Marianne Williamson on being fearless:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

2008-01-14T19:32:00.000Z

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live" - Dorothy Thompson

Who would you be if you had no fear? How would you live? What would you do?

Many of us live below our potential, wishing that we could have, be and do more. We watch successful people and ask ourselves how they got to be where they are while we live in quiet desperation. It's not because we don't possess the talent or ability, but because we are afraid to be all that we can be. Often, the only difference between those who are living their dreams and those who aren't is taking action and stepping out without, or inspite of, one's fears.

Maybe you are too afraid to believe you can be or do more, or maybe you're too afraid to even dream of the possibilities. Maybe you think that if you tried, you would fall down. Or maybe you aren't sure if you could handle success and all that comes with it. Call it lack of self belief, low self esteem or insecurity, the fact is that these feelings all have their origins in fear.

I've talked about fear before in other posts. I'm sure I don't need to tell you again that fear is life's natural killer: it kills your dreams, your visions and ambitions. Ultimately it shrivels up your spirit and confines you.

How about making "fearless" your motto for 2008 ? Imagine yourself totally free: free from limiting beliefs, free from negative mental chatter, free from insecurity... Most importantly, imagine yourself free to do whatever you choose without restriction. How liberating!

As you go through this year, ask yourself the following question: "what would I do today if I had no fear?". Then get to doing it! You'll be amazed at the results and suprised at just how capable you are.

Don't let fear hold you back in 2008. Shrug it off and be all that you can be!

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom." - Marilyn Ferguson

2007-12-23T13:23:00.000Z

How Has This Year Been For You?

I'm happy to say that 2007 has been a good year for me...It hasn't been without its tests, but overall it has been an extremely positive year. For others I know, however, it has not been such a great year... Illness, bereavement and financial difficulties are just some of the things that have marked some lives this year.

Whether your year has been "good" or "bad", I sincerely believe that there is always something to be thankful for. It's especially important when things are not going well to look for the glimmer of hope, that something to be grateful for, such as the opportunity to start again, supportive friends or good health. No matter your current circumstances, remember that there is a bigger picture and good times will come again.

The older I get, the more I believe that our main purpose during our lifetime is to learn and grow. It can be hard to accept that, often, our greatest learning comes from our toughest trials. But as long as you "fail forward", using those challenges to step further into your greatness, you have succeeded and will be ok.

There will always be hard times. There will always be challenges and difficulties... but in every lesson, there is a blessing.

I will look back at this year and give thanks for all that I have learnt. I will give thanks for the hard times because they have made me stronger and have challenged me to become more of myself. I will of course give thanks for the enjoyment and fun I had during the good times - and look forward to more of those next year.

All in all I will just be saying a great big THANK YOU to the universe. I hope you too will do the same. Happy New Year!

I leave you with these words:

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

2007-11-22T16:04:00.000Z

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.-- Epictetus

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America, a day in which the main priority is to give thanks for all of our life's blessings.

In our fast-paced, modern, materialistic, consumerist society we are encouraged to focus on what we don't have. It's easy to look only at what we desire, what's missing and what we want to buy/have/do next. At the same time we overlook and miss out on the countless blessings that are already present in our lives.

If you live in the West you are richer than 90% of people in the rest of the world. Take that in. You are in the richest top percentage of people in the entire world. You don't have to be Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey to be 'rich' - things that we take for granted such as access to clean water, sanitation, electricity, healthcare and clothing are evidence of our wealth. We forget that many millions of people do not even have what we consider to be 'basics'.

As I think about what I have in my life, I'm realize that I could spend days, probably even weeks, giving thanks for them. Access to information, education, opportunities, ideas, good health, friendships, support, family, a comfortable place to live, a bed, a hot shower every day on-demand, good food, good mental health, clean and safe water - the list is endless. Being alive is of course probably the greatest of them all.

So for today - even if you aren't American - take some time to reflect and give thanks for your countless blessings. There is a gift in everything - even being able to read this blog is one of them.

2007-11-08T15:42:00.000Z

Napoleon Hill said, "There is a difference between wishing for a thing and being ready to receive it." No one is ready for a thing until they believe they can acquire it. Before anything can come to us, we have to envision it and believe that it is ours. - Darren Meade, author

At this time you may be wishing for something: more money, a great relationship, a better job. But are you truly open to, and ready for, receiving what it is you desire?

When something is going well, do you feel fully content and believe that you deserve it - or does a voice in your head say "this is too good to be true"? Are you expectant of more good to come - or do you, deep down, anticipate your 'luck' running out, believing that 'all good things come to an end'?

If you answered yes to the latter, there is part of you that is blocking the great things that the universe wants to bring your way. Maybe you believe you're not worthy of goodness, or you have come to believe that there's not enough to go around. Whatever it is, it's important for you to know that good things are not in short supply. In fact, happiness, love, peace, success and growth (to name a few) are infinite and always available to us. All that is required of you is to be fully open - both consciously and subconsciously - to receiving them.

Sometimes our fears about losing something that feels good or having our luck run out are as a result of being unsure about how to manifest it again - or even how it came about in the first place. We believe that good things are fleeting, out of our reach, or random. We'd feel very differently if we knew that our innermost beliefs and thoughts have much to do with what we manifest. The law of attraction states that we attract that which we think about most. This means that if you believe deep down that you can't have what you want, that's what you'll see in your life - even if, on the surface, you wish for more.

It is important that you become fully aware and conscious of your deepest thoughts so that your conscious wishes and desires are in alignment with your subconscious beliefs. If, for example, you say you want to meet the man of your dreams, but subconsciously you believe that all men are dogs it is likely that you will not meet the man of your dreams. What you see in your life is a reflection of what is within your subconscious.

Is there something you want, but are struggling to get? Today, I encourage you to look inside yourself and see if there is anything deep within that may be blocking your joy. The question is not whether or not what you want exists, but whether or not you are attracting or repelling it with your deepest thoughts and beliefs. Before you can have it, you must believe it with every part of yourself.

2007-10-26T17:08:00.000+01:00

"I get knocked down, but I get up again" - Chumbawamba

Life is not stress free. It's not always painless. It's not always happy and exciting. It is guaranteed that you will have problems, you will experience lows and you will face tough times. That's the nature of the beast.

However, what matters is not that there are problems, but HOW you deal with the problems. It doesn't matter that you're down, but it does matter whether or not you get up again.

Unfortunately in life, sh*t happens. Although we have control over some aspects of our lives, many things happen that we have no say in, such as the death or illness of a loved one. However, if we are conscious and self-aware, we can use our adversities to shape and strengthen our character.

A quote I read recently said I can't necessarily control what happens to me, but I can control what happens within me. We always have power over our inner lives.

How do you react to problems? Are you a sheep, or are you a warrior? Do you use your problems as tools for growth, or do you allow them to crush you? If you are sad/angry/hurt about events that have taken place in your life, or are currently happening, you must allow yourself to feel and process those feelings. However, allowing them to overwhelm you and become the soundtrack to your life is of little benefit and ultimately it is within in your sphere of influence to choose whether or not that happens.

The beauty of being human lies in our infinite potential. That potential extends to everything (intelligence, emotions, talents), including our potential for inner strength. Global heroes like Nelson Mandela and Victor Frankl not only surived atrocities but overcame and achieved victory inspite of them. Each and every one of us can do the same.

Don't let your problems get you down. Face them down. Believe that you, and your infinite internal capacity, are bigger than any problem. If you get knocked down, don't stay down. Get up and keep walking knowing that when you successfully grow and learn from your problems, each one gets easier to deal with.

2007-10-26T16:27:00.000+01:00

"Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted"- Albert Einstein

Are you rich? I bet you'll answer that question in reference to the current state of your bank account! Too often we measure our 'wealth' in terms of money. But what I'm really asking is how much you have in your physical, emotional and spiritual bank accounts?

Feeling rich has very little to do with money, and much more to do with your attitude and state of mind. There are people with great material wealth who are miserable, and those with few possessions who are joyful. You only need to look at the state of our celebrity culture to see that money, fame and social status have no correlation to who or where you are as a person.

I'm rich in friendship, I'm rich because I have access to education and information, I'm rich because I'm spiritually in a good place, I'm rich because I'm free. These are the markers of what really counts in my life. Sometimes if our bank accounts aren't in good shape, we feel that we're lacking. However, that takes the focus away from the abundance we have in other areas of our lives - abundance which may in fact be more valuable and meaningful than any amount of money.

You can be rich regardless of your finances. People who are truly rich focus on what they have, and are thankful for every thing. Those who don't feel so prosperous are those who focus on lack and on what's missing. I say that everything you have is worth something. Be thankful, and you'll always be rich in spirit.

2007-09-25T21:27:00.003+01:00

Do What Works!

"The happiness of most people we know is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things" - Ernest Dimnet (1866-1954, French Clergyman)

I know what works for me... and I definitely know what doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that the same goes for you. So why do we continue to do things that don't work, that make us unhappy and that cause us stress?!

You cannot do the same thing and get different results. You cannot do what you know doesn't work and expect to feel good in yourself. If you want your life to work, you have to do what works!

I know that being overly attached to a particular outcome makes me feel anxious. I know that trying to work out everything by myself stresses me out. I know that attempting to predict what might happen tomorrow is guaranteed to give me sleepness nights. So, I have simply stopped doing these things! They are pointless, energy draining, futile behaviours! I want to feel good, so my only option is to do the things that feel good!

There is a pay off for all of our actions. If you are doing something over and over again that you know is not working ask yourself what pay-off you are getting from it and then actively work to change it. One thing is for sure - your pay-off from doing what works will always be significantly higher and more beneficial than doing what doesn't.

It's tiring having to learn the same lessons over and over again. That happens when you are not doing what is good for you. For as long as you do things that are not good for you, you will continue to repeat negative experiences.

Often we do repeat behaviours out of habit. This is a by-product of not being conscious of our self, our thoughts and our actions. However, it doesn't take long to replace old, worn-out habits with new and life-enhancing ones.

So today dispose of anything that doesn't work, and replace it with what you know truly works for you. I promise it will make your life so much more peaceful!

2007-09-25T21:27:00.001+01:00

Let Go of Logic

I am a thinker... I think a lot about everything. I was one of those kids that always asked "why?" - and I still do. I have always prided myself on my introspection.

We live in a society that is based on logic and reason. Things must be proven and explained for them to be real or accepted. We are told that thinking through the choices we make, thinking about what we do, and why we do them are good because that promotes self awareness.

However, I don't think thinking is all it's cracked up to be. There can come a point when it does more harm than good and you get trapped in your head. I cannot count the number of times I have driven myself crazy by trying to use my logic to figure out something that I simply do not know the answer to. On numerous occasions I have suffered from 'analysis paralysis' whereby thinking through all of my options and trying to make sense of them had made me feel worse instead of better and I have been unable to make any decisions at all.

Maybe this need for thinking, the need to always know the answers to the 'whys' of life is actually a way of trying to control the uncontrollable. Maybe it's a desire to make sense of everything because we are afraid to admit that sometimes we just don't know. When you stop trying to work everything out, you have to let go and surrender to the greater forces in the universe that none of us could possibly ever understand. That can be scary!

I'm learning that there is so much value in not trying to work out the why's and the how's. There is value in simply surrendering and believing that there is a bigger force at work that knows what the heck is going on even if you don't.

Letting go of the need to rationalize and reason can be wonderful because spirit and intuition do not work at the mental level. Spirit works at a level that is beyond logic, beyond what's in your mind. That is why, sometimes, feelings or instincts that come from intuition do not seem to make sense and you discount them. Your spirit takes in information that your conscious mind may not even have noticed, so is able to give you information that you feel - logically - you ought not to know.

Thinking too much only contributes to the noise and chatter in your head, often making life appear to be much more complicated or confusing than it is. By letting go of logic, and the need to reason and work everything out, you allow space for your spirit voice to come through.

So today why not just be still, stop trying to work everything out and just watch life happen. Give your spirit space to speak to you and provide you with the invaluable information that you need. Trust that even if you don't know, everything is working out as it should, and there is a divine intelligence that is greater and more powerful than you.

2007-09-14T19:14:00.000+01:00

Be Here Now

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." - Oprah Winfrey.

The only time we have is the present. The only thing we can be sure of is what's here now. I cannot emphasize it enough - to myself particularly.

This truth tends to hits home when something totally unexpected happens to you. You realize that while you were caught up in your plans, ideas and expectations, life had its own.

Time is an illusion. There is no past, no future - only present. Yesterday and tomorrow are only man-made, time-orientated words for Now.

Make the most of today. There is no point spending your life stuck in what's gone, or what may yet to be come - you cannot know what will happen until it happens, and you cannot go back and undo what has already been done.

The more I learn, the more I realize that I don't know much! None of us are clairvoyants. We cannot see into the future. If you look at your life you will probably see that you could not have predicted most of the events that have occurred, whether they are better or worse than what you hoped for. That's how life is.

Don't put off your life. Don't hold off on expressing your feelings. Live your dreams. Because it's possible that you may not get the opportunity to do all of the things that you'd one day like to do. Do what you can today!

Enjoy the day and be in it fully. It's precious!

2007-09-06T14:35:00.000+01:00

You become a victim when you are waiting for something or someone else to do something which you believe will change your own feelings or emotions for the better.

For example, waiting for someone to apologize before you can feel at peace with their wrong doing. Or maybe waiting for your parents' approval before you start doing something you've always wanted to do. Another example is thinking that you need to hear certain words before you will open your heart to somebody.

However, what happens if the other person never does what you'd like them to do? Will you continue to remain sad, angry or frustrated? Will you continue to put yourself at the mercy of their whim?

Often what we think we need so much from others is actually what we need most from ourselves. I can guarantee that those words of love and validation that we think we need to hear from our spouse are what we are not providing for ourselves.

In the book 'The Mastery of Love', Don Miguel Ruiz likens this to food. To paraphrase him loosely, if you have a fridge filled with delicious food and a gourmet meal at home, and someone knocks on your door offering you a slice of pizza you will say no: you already have all the food you want and are more than content with what you have. In other words, you do not look outside because everything you need and want is already within.

However, if you've run out of food at home and you're really hungry, you will be desperately searching for that person with the slice of pizza because you are scared you may not eat again. When we feel we are missing something internally, we go looking for it in others. Essentially, we project onto others what it is we feel we're lacking.

So, rather than feeling that it's necessary for someone to apologize to me before I can move on from a situation, what's really required is for me to apologize to myself. Rather than feeling that I need my boyfriend to tell me he loves me before I will open up to him, I need to tell myself that I love myself.

That is how we stop being victims. We stop being victims by giving ourselves what we need rather than expecting others to provide it. Every time we wait for someone else to make us feel good, we are subconsciously telling ourselves that we are lacking and unfulfilled on our own. This makes us fearful, anxious and needy because we believe that unless we get what someone else has to give us, we'll not be or feel ok.

However, once you provide for yourself and make yourself feel content within, you will not look to others to provide for your needs. Your approach to others will not be from a position of lack or victimization, but from a position of inner-directed strength and power.

So stock up your inner fridge, fill it up with an abundance of love, support, encourage, validation, approval, security and anything else that you need. Give that to yourself and you will never go emotionally hungry again.

2007-08-28T18:05:00.000+01:00

Easier Said Than Done?

Armchair spiritualizing is easy. We can all read books, write in our journals about how much unconditional love we have for ourselves, and basically theorize about our inner journey. But then we step into the real world and hit the first obstacle. Uh oh! The fear that you'd mentally promised yourself you'd no longer succumb to smacks you right in the face. The self-criticism that you journalled about and vowed that you'd ignore hits you over the head... and you find yourself battling feelings, emotions and thoughts that you had - in theory anyway - got rid of.

The doing - the practice and implementation- of new ideas, ways of being and thought processes is much easier said than done. This is because what we've always done before is so habitual, ingrained and often subconscious that making a change requires a very high level of constant self-awareness. It also requires that you become conscious of the what, how, why and when of the things you do. Not only do you need to implement new thoughts, for example, but you need to know when the old ones come up and then actively counteract them. Boy - hard work!

Sometimes it's less effort to keep doing things the way we've always done them. Many people do that! But you know what they say: You can't keep on doing the same thing and expect a different result. That is, in fact, one definition of insanity. Plus, as I've also blogged about before - the tests and challenges in your life will keep on re-appearing until you are forced to do things differently and take action.

This year my number one test has been in the area of faith. I feel as though I'm continually being called to talk leaps of faith, and to walk in faith, trusting that I'm being guided and led. Notice that I say 'leap' and 'walk'...Verbs! There is no faith without action. There is no point talking without doing. In the doing is where you will reveal what you have truly learned, and to what extent you've learned it.

Sometimes I feel that the tests I have in my life are actually the universe's way of asking me to prove, to show through my actions, that I really know the things I claim that I know. In the end though, when I commit myself to implementing positive change, it soon becomes an effortless (positive) habit.

So get out of that armchair, stop thinking and start doing! As Robert Puller says: "Good habits, once established, are just as hard to break as are bad habits".

2007-08-20T21:32:00.000+01:00

Stepping out of your comfort zone and into your dreams...

Stepping out of your comfort zone ain't easy! Going into a new, unknown, unchartered territory is challenging. You feel like a baby again, just learning how to walk. You realize how 'safe' (although maybe not enjoyable) your world was, and how unsure it is now. Yet, at the same time, there is something extremely empowering about it. You learn about yourself, you grow, you develop new skills and you realize that you can do much more than you ever thought possible.

If you want to live your dreams, you are required to leave your safety net and enter a new zone. You have to have intense faith and believe that, even if you feel scared as hell, you are going to make it through. It's about taking one day at a time, staying focussed on the present, and doing the best you can right now without worrying about tomorrow.

Life would probably more interesting if we always lived that way. Stepping out of a comfort zone is not something to be done only when we hit a crossroads, or at a time of crisis. We will grow stronger by testing our muscles - emotional, spiritual, relationship, financial - every day. You'll be surprised at how even small changes can test you, simply because they are unfamiliar and force you to think, be and act differently. However, all of them cause you to become greater and use more of your infinite potential.

What can you do to actively step out of your comfort zone today? And how does doing so make you feel? Pay attention to the feelings come up when you're doing something unusual because it can teach you a lot about yourself, particularly your fears.

I'm writing this because I'm in a new city, half way across the world, in someone else's apartment. I've come here with the notion of pursuing my dreams and exploring opportunities! I'm definitely being stretched, but it feels good, although I won't deny that I am slightly scared! I know that no matter what happens, I will be a better person for the experience. At the same time, it has made me see why people stay in dead end jobs, doing things they hate. The dreaded 'comfort' zone can be seductive, although ironically there is never much that is very comfortable about it.

Here is some food for thought:
“In bullfighting there is a term called querencia. The querencia is the spot in the ring to which the bull returns. Each bull has a different querencia, but as the bullfight continues, and the animal becomes more threatened, it returns more and more often to his spot.
As he returns to his querencia, he becomes more predictable. And so, in the end, the matador is able to kill the bull because instead of trying something new, the bull returns to what is familiar. His comfort zone.”- Carly Fiorina

2007-08-15T16:11:00.000+01:00

The School of Life

I started this blog about a year ago... and I have been reflecting on the lessons I've learnt in the past year and how I've changed. Here are a few:

1) There are 2 paths you can choose in this life: to walk in love, or to walk in fear. I've committed myself to the path of love. Love, in this fear-filled world, can be the hardest route to take but I've seen the mess I get myself into when I don't go that way. I can attribute pretty much every problem I've had (ones I've been responsible for anyway) down to fear. These days I still feel fear but I go ahead and do what I need to do anyway, and choose not to give in to it.

2) A sense of direction is important, but living in the moment and being open to today is vital. The present is all we have. The 'past' and 'future' are actually now. Know your direction but let your inner compass guide you on your journey day by day. Rigid 5 year plans and such like are simply our way of trying to control the uncontrollable, but the fact is there is very little other than our attitude that we are really in control of...and that's really ok! These days I am able to embrace uncertainty because I know that no matter what I will be fine!

3) Spirit should lead the mind, and not the other way around. Getting caught up in the talk going on in our heads can drive us crazy. I'm learning to be still and quiet - particularly in times of trouble - because I cannot hear anything worthwhile when there is so much noise in my mind.

4) Focus on observing, not expecting... Too often we are looking for what it is we want or think we should be seeing. This can lead to a lot of frustration when what is it in front of us is not what we hoped for, and can stop us from appreciating and seeing situations and people for what they are.

5) You have to know yourself! Not your job title, or your marital status, but WHO you are deep down... You have to know and connect with the part of you that is unchanging and unchangeable. Knowing your true essence is the most liberating thing because you realize that no matter what, nothing and no one can define or change who you are. You were defined from birth as special and magnificent - and that is it. Once you know who you are, BE who you are fully. You were created to be you and add your unique stamp on this world.

6) Let go of attachments. Life is what it is... If you don't like it, then make a choice to do something different in the next moment - but for this moment, this is it.

7) Surrender is a beautiful - but extremely hard - thing. I have always been a control freak. Learning to let go (and let God) is something I still struggle with, but I'm seeing that it's the best way. You are likely to drown if you swim against the tide.

8) Your inner voice (aka intuition, gut instinct, spirit etc) is there for a good reason. It is your innate, in-born, internal guide and compass. If something inside doesn't feel right, it's usually because it's not right. Listen and take heed. I always go off-track when I don't listen to myself. You inner voice always speaks, but we have to be open to hearing it and acting on it.

9) Man did not make me, man cannot break me. Who cares what anyone else thinks? What power do they have over me? No person put me here on this earth, so no person can make judgements on who I am or what I do because they actually do not know what is best for me. I was not put on this earth to answer to people. Unfortunately we are all limited, carrying our own baggage and seeing through our own distorted filters to make objective judgements on anything and anybody. It's so liberating when you realize that what anyone else thinks really doesn't matter. Be free from the good judgement of others.

10) There is a blessing in every lesson. A lesson is not a punishment. It's actually a way of reminding you of your greatness and nudging you back onto the right path. Without lessons, we'd get lost and stay lost. Painful lessons tend to come our way when we've forgotten how great we are and have strayed into a mindset of limitation and fear. But the pain is also a blessing - a sharp reminder that something is not right, telling you to take your hand off the hot stove. I make an effort to look for the blessings in each lesson - what was it I needed to learn? In which areas did I need to grow? I use them to help me become a greater person...

It would be interesting to hear any lessons you've learned in the past year... Let me know!

2007-08-01T15:53:00.000+01:00

The Blame Game

If someone called you a big purple martian you'd probably laugh in their face. You would, because you don't identify yourself as one and know that it's a ridiculous thing to say. It probably wouldnt bother you in the slightest and it's likely you'd think the person who uttered it is rather silly.

But what about the things that people do or say to you that touch a raw nerve? The things that get you angry and have you on the phone to our friends ranting about how they did this or that to you?

Maybe, just maybe, the problem is not them or what they did or said... Maybe it's you? Maybe the reason why you're upset is because you actually believe deep down that what the perseon is saying about you is right? Maybe your feelings stems from the fact that they have tapped into a belief you actually hold about yourself?

I've heard it said that those that annoy us most or generate the strongest feelings within us are our greatest teachers. The feelings pin point and bring to the surface the parts of us that are wounded and require healing. However, it's much easier to project our emotions outwards and blame the other person for making us feel the way we do rather than looking at what it is exactly that has made us feel uncomfortable, upset, or angry.

Which part of us is reacting to the comment or action, and why? Those are the questions we need to be asking. Focussing on the other person stops us from taking responsibility for our own feelings, and cuts us off from our response-ability, making us into victims.

Recently, the way someone in my life has been acting has brought up a variety of intense feelings in me. My feelings have ranged from feeling very content to being frustrated and angry. All the while I have blamed the other person for their behaviour.

But I've become aware that the issue is actually not the other person at all, but what I tell myself from day to day about their behaviour and my subsequent reactions. It's not the other person bothering me, it's me bothering me... That person is not in my head making my thoughts, I am...and for that only I can take responsibility.

It's easy to say "Yes, but she/he did X, and said Z". Well maybe they did.. and maybe what they said or did wasn't kind. How you respond is another matter - that's your choice and noone else's.

I leave you with a few quotes for reflection:

When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself. ~Louis Nizer

Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame. ~Erica Jong

2007-07-24T12:18:00.000+01:00

I'm always impressed by people who have overcome the odds to achieve great things. Sometimes I look at them and think "wow - that is incredible. How did they do that?". It can only be because those people know that, despite where they come from or where they are, they are not defined by their life's circumstances, conditions or experiences.

We are only defined by our life's circumstances, conditions or experiences to the extent that we identify with them. I have realized that the things that affect me the most are ones that I subconsciously believe reflect something about me personally. That is, I believe that they are somehow part of my identity and my nature.

Many of us hang on to people, memories, jobs, baggage (and so on) for longer than is necessary because we believe they are part of who we are. We fear that in losing them we are losing part of ourselves. However, in order to keep on moving through our past or present experiences we must realize that nothing changes or affects the essence of who we are. We must know that we much greater than our circumstances.

This goes not just for negative things but for things that are good in our lives. As much as we not our problems, we are also not our successes. Everything external is temporary and changeable. The only thing that endures, and that ultimately counts for anything, is your essence.

The only way I can describe essence is to think of a baby in the womb. Before that baby has yet been born into the world, it has an intrinsic value and worth. It has no personality and no name, yet it has meaning and is loved just for being what it is. This is the natural state of all of us and is what lies beneath our personalities and conditioning.

Another analogy is that our essential self is like the sky. Life's circumstances are like clouds. Even when the sky is full of clouds, even if it's raining heavily - the sky is always there. The clouds do not affect or change the sky on any level other than superficially; when the clouds clear, the sky is still as it was before they appeared. I hope you get the picture.

It's important to know who you are. Not what your job is, how much you earn, or your marital status - but the fundamental, instrinsic worth, value and pure potential that lies within you and is there just because you are you. When you live in that understanding your realize that most of the things bother us, or that we worry about, are not that important. And even 'important' things are just temporary situations or experience - we will still continue to be who we are regardless.

I leave you with this quote by Deepak Chopra: "Learn to get in touch with the innermost essence of your being. This true essence is beyond the ego. It is fearless; it is free; it is immune to criticism; it does not fear any challenge. It is beneath no one, superior to no one, and full of magic, mystery, and enchantment. "

2007-07-21T11:25:00.000+01:00

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. " - Lao Tzu

There are some very pointless and unproductive behaviours that we humans indulge in. One of them is worrying about what could be, what should be, and what is. The second is wishing things were different. Thirdly, we spend a lot of time complaining and moaning (about what is).

The underlying theme with all of these is a lack of acceptance of the here and now. Life is in the living. You are living here, now, today. You cannot change what is already here. You can make decisions and choices to subsequently do things differently or to go in a different direction but you cannot change what is.

What makes it so hard for us to accept things as they are, even when we know that right now we are unable to change them? Maybe we think that by accepting them we are giving in, or saying that we're ok with the situation? Maybe we think by accepting something we will never be able change it? The problem with not accepting life as it is is that you make yourself into a victim. You make yourself feel powerless, as you ruminate on things beyond your control.

I find this with something simple like a traffic jam. Say I'm on my way to a meeting, I'm running late and I hit a traffic jam. I could sit there and moan, complain and fret about why the traffic isn't moving faster. I could mentally cuss the local government for putting in so many traffic lights that stops the traffic from flowing as well as it should. Or I could say to myself 'Hey, I'm here right now, this is the situation. Is there anything I can actually do about it at this point in time?'. If I can do something about it, such as turn back and go a different way then I may do that. If I can't do anything about it, however, it's much less stressful and easier for me if I just accept that for the next 10 minutes it's pretty likely that I'm going to be sitting in traffic. But since I accept that I no longer feel so hard done by.

Another reason why we can get so frustrated by what is, is because we are so attached to the idea of how life should be. Life should be stress free. It should be simple. It should be painless. It should be smooth sailing. But it's not! And that pisses us off! But maybe if we threw a little acceptance at the situation, we'd just relax, knowing that this is how it is - for now - and rather than focussing on the problem, we'll spend our energy on empowering ourselves by focussing on a positive solution.

Acceptance is not resignation. You don't have to like what you see, but you acknowledge it and take it for what it is - without giving it a value judgement, which then causes an emotional reaction. In times when I choose to accept something I don't particularly like I remember that 'this too shall pass'. The situation will change, something new will come, and it's likely that I won't even remember it in a few days - so why spend so much time fretting over it?

The bottom line is that life is what it is. You know that saying "C'est la vie"? You can try and control it, but it's a guarantee that things will happen that you don't anticipate. Life is like a stream, and it's so much simpler if you just flow with the tide. Ever tried swimming against a current? It's extremely hard work and tiring. When you accept the here and now, you go with the flow and are able to use your energy to make positive choices for the future.

2007-07-07T15:51:00.000+01:00

The Best Students Get the Hardest Tests...

I recently wrote on someone else's blog that 'the best students get the hardest tests'. I'm not sure where I heard that, but it makes a lot of sense to me. When you are at school, your teachers know how well you are progressing by setting you a series of tests that challenge you, force you to think and show if you are able to correctly apply what you've learned. It would be fruitless if they just gave you a bunch of very easy "2+2" type questions which you could answer with your eyes closed.

But in the test of life we only seem to want the "2+2" questions. I have been guilty of this. When a challenge comes up my first reaction can sometimes be "why?!" I can be very resistant at times, moaning and whining about how trying life can be. But how else would I be stretched and tested if not by my challenges? Your mental, emotional and spiritual strength and capability is expanded when you are in situations that take you beyond where you've been previously, or where you are currently. Your comfort zone is just that - comfortable. It requires very little effort and, after a while, provides little growth.

The other day when I was having a little moan to myself, I thought of myself as an sprinter. I asked myself which athlete in their right mind would say "oh, this race is too hard, a bit too challenging - I am not even going to bother running it. Why can't they just give me a simple course that I can run without exerting myself?" That mindset is the anti-thesis of being an athlete, or indeed any kind of winner in life. Athletes relish a challenge, they relish proving their abilities and putting into action what they have learned during the intense training sessions in the lead up to the competition.

Those who succeed in life are like athletes. Winners do not avoid challanges or competition. Neither do they avoid making mistakes or even 'failing' - because those are just more tests in which they get to show themselves off. Life does not need to be a struggle or unenjoyable. However, life's challenges and tests are necessary. Rather than seeing them as horrible things designed to trip us up and make us feel bad, how about seeing them as opportunities to show ourselves what we're made us of?

Believe me, you cannot avoid the tests. If you don't pass them this time, you will be made to sit them again! That's positive though - it's just life's way of ensuring that you've learned the lessons that you need in order to move onwards and upwards, and thrive. Anyway, if you learn life's lessons well enough and pass life's tests you probably won't need to go back and repeat them. Further tests will just be at deeper and more advanced levels and they will be easier because you'll understand the basics.

As we know from school, those who are top of the class are set the hardest tasks. This is because the teacher knows that their skills run deep and they are highly capable. So maybe if there's something in your life that is really testing you at the moment, it's because your spirit knows that you have what it takes to get through it with flying colours. All you need do is show that you've really learned what you need in order to graduate with honours to the next class....where no doubt, you'll have to sit even more of life's exams!

“Opposition is a natural part of life. Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition - such as lifting weights - we develop our character muscles by overcoming challenges and adversity.” - Steven R Covey

2007-07-07T13:47:00.000+01:00

It can be hard to say goodbye, hard to let go of a situation or people that you know aren't really adding value to your life.

Here are some great words from T.D. Jakes on letting go...

Let it go for 2007.

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!

When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are bad people, it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ....
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to takeyou to a new level in Him......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help some people who won't even try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ........
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it", then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left.. think about it, and then ....
LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

2007-07-05T15:53:00.000+01:00

"Can Someone Tell Me How To Live My Life?"

There was an interesting article in the Sunday Times over the weekend. It was entitled 'Can someone tell me how to live my life?' and asked why we are increasingly relying on external parties, so called experts, to tell us how to live. This applies to everything from food ("What Not To Eat"), to parenting ("Super Nanny"), even as far as what we should wear ("What Not To Wear") - but I thought particularly about the self-help/personal development movement.

I am a self confessed self help junkie. You name it, I've read it. Deepak Chopra, Tony Robbins, Louise Hay, Steven Covey, Ram Surya Dass, Shakti Gawain, Iyanla Vanzant. Yup I know 'em all. Those guys and their books are very good friends of mine! I was struck, though, when my ex boyfriend once said, whilst I was deeply engrossed in a book: "the answers aren't in the books you know!"... At the time, I didn't really get what he meant at the time, but I do now.

When we're going through problems in life, or just want to feel inspired, we'll often pick up some positive literature and have a good read. Someone else's words can make us feel great and help us to keep on moving through hard times. But what happened to listening to our own voices? Often we forget that inside of us is an in-built library of wisdom. It's open 24-7 and is freely, and easily, accessible if we choose to use it.

Why let someone else's words guide us rather than getting still and going deep to find those answers that are within ourselves? Maybe it's because we don't trust ourselves. It's easier to trust a so-called expert - they 'know' what they're talking about, don't they? - but the truth is they too are human like the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong, I love personal development and self-help books, but what we most need to hear is our own voice. And I'm not talking about that chattering voice that runs a constant commentary in your mind, but the voice of spirit which speaks in whispers and can only be heard in silence. Listening to other people's voices can drown out our own essential wisdom.

Take asking for advice as an example. Often we'll ask someone else what they think before we've even asked ourselves, and end up even more confused than we were when we started, not knowing what the best course of action is. As my boyfriend said, the answers are not in the books - the answers exist within.

The older I get the more I understand that we are born with an innate guide. We are all born with a compass that points us in the right direction, towards our 'North Star' (yes, there is a book about that too!). It is always there, but sometimes we forget and instead consult an external map for directions. Which is ok, as long as that map can also help us get where we need to go. But why look outside when the perfect journey planner is already at your fingertips?

I decided a few months ago to put the books down. To be honest, I've read so many that it started to feel like I was bingeing on them. I was so full, my mind (and probably my spirit) didn't want any more. It was scary though, because I was forced to listen to me! Sometimes it can be frightening to hear what your spirit is telling you because we have to trust it, with no tangible evidence that what it is saying is right.

I've also refrained from asking friends what they think about certain things going on in my life. I choose now to go to my inner library and see what pearls of wisdom I can gain from there first. I always find that all of the answers I need are there for me.

Maybe you're a self-help junkie like me! Put down the books for a week and listen to yourself! You'll find - as I did - that you know so much more than you think you do.

2007-06-29T11:38:00.000+01:00

Love Makes The World Go Round?

Self-help guru Louise Hay once said that most problems in people's lives are a direct result of a lack of self-love. Love is like the light and where there is none, there is... well... darkness.

Louise Hay's words really struck me and have stayed with me since I first came across them. Now whenever I encounter any resistance, fear, anxiety, stress or worry within myself I ask "where am I not showing myself love in this situation?". Lo and behold, no matter what it is, love for self (or lack of it) is the answer to the problem.

Love is fertilizer for the soul. It makes you grow, gives you hope, keeps you moving, keeps your dreams going. Fear is like a weed. It wraps around you, strangles you, stops you from breathing (literally) and can lead to depression and even suicide.

Loving ourselves is not easy, however, in a society that operates on fear. Fear of war. Fear of terrorism. Fear of ID theft. Fear of money. Fear of other people. Fear of climate change... and even fear of love itself. I wonder what life would be like if everyone truly loved themselves and each other. It is a true act of self-love to make a space for positivity, happiness, peace, calm and an open heart in one's life. It's not always easy, but it is so necessary.

You can run from love if you want, afraid that it hurts (a paradox if ever I heard one). You can scare yourself, think the worst and talk down to yourself if you want. But I can guarantee it won't get you far. You will keep on being called back to love, because love is the only healer. Any part of your life that needs healing will call on you, louder and louder, until you listen and start to love yourself more.

I've come across this recently in several areas of my life including relationships, creativity and body image. I cannot keep on saying 'I hate my thighs' and be happy. No - I have to love them as they are because they are part of me. When I had writer's block it was because I kept telling myself that my writing was no good, and people would hate it. That all changed when I replaced that inner critic with a loving, gentle voice that encouraged me to write regardless of what people thought, and without judgement.

We are born into love. Somewhere along the way that is replaced by fear. I believe that every life lesson is brought to us so that we can return to love. What situation in your life today is causing you stress? And can you overcome it by watering it, or yourself, with more love?

What was it the Beatles said? "All we need is love"? Such simple words, but so very true.

2007-06-29T11:08:00.000+01:00

Kindness for Weakness?

I was reading another blog recently which asked if it was worth being nice. In the writer's experience, being nice had meant that other people had presumed her to be weak and therefore taken advantage of her.

It got me thinking... What does it mean to be 'nice'? I concluded that often kindness is mistaken for weakness not because the person is actually being kind but because they are, in fact without realizing it, being weak.

Being nice or kind starts first and foremost with self. "Love you neighbour as you love yourself" - I'm sure you've heard that one. What that means is that you can only really be kind to others if you are able to truly be kind to yourself.

Being kind is about love. And love has boundaries. Love is not about doing things that hurt you, make you feel bad, or sap your energy in order to make someone else feel good. That is called People Pleasing.

Kindness that is mistaken for weakness usually has its foundation in fear. It's the sort of 'kindness' that makes you believe that you will be disliked if you say 'no'. It's because you never say no that people keep on asking you for more until you eventually feel so drained and worn out you start to get angry. Finally you snap and - like the writer of the blog I was reading - say "No More Mr Nice Guy". Instead you then become defensive, guarded and closed off as you attempt to protect yourself. This only leads to more fear.

No No No No... that's not what it's about. When you are operating from a position of love, you can be kind without fear because you are able to say 'hey - I respect me and I respect you and because I respect myself I will not do things that compromise me, and because I respect you I will not allow you to overstep my boundaries either'. There is no weakness in that.

Kindness is kindness. Weakness is weakness. The two are not the same. One is about love, the other about fear. So if you feel you're being taken advantage of, ask yourself honestly which position you're operating from.

2007-06-25T15:56:00.001+01:00

All too often we are what I like to call 'blown about in the wind'. What I mean is that we allow our external circumstances to be like strong winds which dictate our moods and impact upon our sense of happiness.

We allow our finances, relationships, friendships, family, work, even our clothing to make us feel good or bad. Can't find anything to wear - I'm in a bad mood. Someone says something to annoy me at work - I'm irritated and grumpy for the rest of the day. Conversely, someone gives me a compliment - I feel on top of the world. My bank balance is looking healthy - woo hoo let's party! (LOL)

Seriously though, how many of us are operating from a real stable inner core? How many of us are operating from a place that is rooted in a strong foundation of Self? So strong that it takes something akin to an earthquake, rather than a slight tremor, to shake us from our natural peaceful state?

Your inner Self is naturally peaceful, naturally joyful, naturally happy. Watch a baby and you will see that to be true. But often we believe that it is the things going on around us which determine our happiness. How can you ever be at peace if your happiness is tied up in things (money, jobs, relationships etc) which by their very nature are impermanent and subject to change?

When you are strong in your Self only the most important things can rock you because you know that, no matter what is going on outside, you are still you - a divine, magnificent, wonderful being. You know that your essence never changes regardless of external circumstances and it is your essence that is the true foundation of your life.

Real inner peace can only come from within...It is never as a result of your life circumstances. You are truly peaceful when you know that no matter what is going on - good or bad - your true confidence and esteem comes from a deep place inside you that can never ever be shaken.

I leave you with this quote: "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, but it is not possible to find it elsewhere." (Agnes Repplier)

2007-06-23T22:22:00.001+01:00

"If you're grateful, you won't have to pray for anything, ever again, because it will come. If it doesn't, you'll know you're better off without it, so you won't care. Either way, you win." (Unknown)

We all have an idea of what it is we want in our lives, what we think we need and how we think things should be. So, if we get them we're happy. We feel good. We're thankful and at peace.

But how do you feel when life doesn't go the way you'd like? I bet you feel down, irritated, frustrated, and you wish that things were different. But how about giving thanks for those things that you don't want? In fact, how about just letting go of what you think you need? How about going where spirit takes you and accepting what you are given, in the knowledge that you are never lost?

It's a strange concept, but if you truly trust spirit and its divinely inspired guidance you will know that wherever you are is where you need to be. Your mind, your ego, may not think you need to be there - but spirit always knows best. In every situation, good or bad, there are important lessons to be learned in order for growth to occur. And when the time is right, spirit will lead you out and to the next place, where your next level of growth will take place.

I look back and remember not being remotely thankful for where I was in certain moments. I remember asking 'why me? why am I here? why aren't things different?'. I resisted, I wished for something better, something that fitted in with my idea of how my life should go.

But it's only in hindsight I see how the dots join up. I see how I was perfectly guided into, through, and out of every place I was in, including some of the not-so-great ones. If I had trusted my spirit at the time I would have said to myself: 'I'm thankful that I'm here to learn the lessons that I have to learn and I trust that once those lessons have been learned I will be shown where I need to be next'.

This is also why there is no point having regrets. You have always been in the right place, at the right time. Maybe you stayed in a relationship longer than you, or others, think you should have done. That's ok - spirit always ensures you learn the lessons you need to learn regardless of how long it takes. In any case, our (human) time is not God's time...and God's time is always the right time.

Why does a baby comes into the world after 9 months instead of 9 weeks? It's because 9 months is the necessary time for that baby to be ready and able to survive in the world. You may take longer to grow, heal and learn lessons than you think you should. You may encounter situations that were not what you hoped for or expected and that don't feel good. But ultimately it will all make you more of who you are. That's certainly something to give thanks for.

Always remember that spirit is in charge, and that everything happens for a very good reason. Be thankful - for the 'good' times and the 'bad' times - because it's all just God perfecting you...

2007-06-14T15:35:00.001+01:00

What is the point of a relationship? No, I'm not bitter! I'm just asking....! What are they for? Are they to get needs met? To play out issues that we didn't resolve in childhood? To get someone to love us? To feel good about ourselves? Or maybe for growth, for our own and the other's development? I go with the last one.

I like to think that each relationship is a teacher and that the real benefit of each one is in the lessons we learn, even if we learn them the hard way. Sometimes we can learn those lessons in 3 months..other times in 3 years....longer even. But I believe that for as long as you learn something that enables you to grow as a person each relationship has been a success, no matter how long it lasted or how it ended up.

Relationships of any kind can be a minefield. You're forced to open yourself up to emotions and feelings that you don't necessarilly need to deal with in other elements of your everyday life. And when you're in a relationship you can't hide from yourself. Every thought, every emotion, every feeling that you have about yourself is guaranteed to rear its head when someone of the opposite sex (or same for some of you) is involved.

I find that so much fear is involved in relationships. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of hurt. Fear of being left alone. But why so much fear? If we truly stand firm in our own centre, if we truly know that no other person has any power over us, if we truly know that if this doesnt work out there will be others and more love on the way, is there anything to fear?

Maybe it's that we don't really know these things in our heart of hearts. Maybe deep down we don't know how much love we really deserve, if any at all... Maybe deep down there is a little person inside of us who was hurt a long time ago and is still feeling that pain, and trying to avoid it happening again...

Maybe it's that we don't know what we really want... I developed an analogy lately (I'm a big fan of those)... If I had a company and I wanted to find an exceptional candidate to fill a CEO position, I would not put an advert in The Sun and interview builders. I would look for the best, top candidates with the most relevant experience and even when I'd got in all of the CV's, I'd read through them thoroughly and conduct a number of interviews before taking my pick and making a decision as to which is the right CEO (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend) for my company (i.e. me). I'd also set out a clear job spec and know what what my expectations were (and make them clear) of this person before taking them on. I know of many many people who have employed builders in CEO positions, if you get my drift.

Anyway, I'll leave you with this quote for some food for thought: "When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter".

2007-06-14T15:15:00.000+01:00

"You are already are and have everything you need... just BE YOU"

Recently a number of things going on in my life have kept bringing me back to this: "You are already are, and have, everything you need...just BE YOU". It is quite a deep sentence. Really absorb it...

"You already are, and have, everything you need" means you don't NEED a relationship. You already have all the love, support, validation, respect, approval within you.

"You already are, and have, everything you need" means you don't NEED to prove to the world, through your job or any other means, that you are a success. Success is who you are.

"You already are, and have, everything you need" means you don't NEED to look to anyone else for validation, whether that be your job, your family, your spouse or your friends. There is nothing OUT THERE that you don't already have inside you.

"You already are, and have, everything you need" means you don't NEED to earn more money to feel rich. Your very essence is already rich, abundant and prosperous.

You don't need to read or watch 'The Secret'. You don't need to repeat affirmations 1000 times a day. You don't need to fix yourself.

"Just BE YOU". Be who you were born to be. Be sad, be mad, be happy, be uplifted. Be strong, be weak. Just BE. Whatever you feel, feel it. Whoever you are, be it fully.

You're filled with spirit which always has your best interests at heart. If you listen, spirit will tell you everything you need to know. If you ask, spirit will show you exactly where you need to go. Joy, peace, love, happiness, success, everything you want already exists within you. If you see it externally, it's because it's purely a reflection of who you are.

2007-05-24T12:06:00.000+01:00

"The journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step"

Yesterday I had a moment of frustration as I wondered why I wasn't further ahead in a particular area of my life. I was annoyed because I could see where I wanted to be and where I thought I should be but felt as if I was pretty far away from it...

And then I heard a voice in my head. It said: "life is a process, and you can't skip the steps". In my mind's eye, I suddenly saw the image of a baby learning to walk. I watched it try to stand, fall down, then take one step and then another one. It was amusing how accurate that visualization was of where I am in this particular point in my life's journey.

A second voice then said: "everything has it's time". Subsequently, in my mind's eye I saw a foetus in the womb, growing slowly and gently over a period of 9 months until it was ready to be born into the world. Again, an apt description of an incubation period I have been, and am still, in.

In a culture in which the mantras are "I want it now" and "I am what I do", it's easy to forget that life is a journey and must be lived one day, one step, at a time. We are not able to press fast forward, or jump into next week. Nor is it necessary to do so because life is lived in the here and now, and there really is no 'there' to get to.

The real essence in everything - success, relationships, career, personal growth - is in its development, in its progression and in seeing how far you've come.

So today, I've looked at where I am, given thanks and have vowed to enjoy putting one foot in front of another every day that I walk this mysterious path called life. I hope you too will do the same!

2007-02-12T22:06:00.000Z

Y'all need to check out this video....

Food for thought for the sisters of colour...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17fEy0q6yqc

2007-02-09T14:17:00.000Z

"The Tao abides in non-action, Yet nothing is left undone." - Lao Tzu

I have lived my whole life with this mistaken notion that I alone have the power to make things happen and that my success and happiness in life is all down to me...

The truth is that I am powerless without the energy of spirit/God/vital force/Tao that makes EVERYTHING in the universe happen and is THE force behind everything. Without that force there would be no universe, and there would certainly be no me!

Recently I've been thinking a lot, and journalling about energy, spirit and God (some would say they are all the same), but it goes a lot deeper than even I have recognized. The universe is in perfect order and balance - all on its own. Without humans on it, the earth would still turn, the sun would still shine and the planets would still orbit. There is a force that keeps it like that. I am part of that force - and that force is in me. That force created me.

It's kinda backwards to believe that we were created so perfectly in the most amazing way by an incredible life force which brough a sperm and an egg together (essentially a bunch of cells) containing vital life intelligence that transformed over 9 months into a physical being - me. If the universal life force can create that - and so much more - with minimal effort and inteference from humans why would I believe that I need to strive so hard to direct my own path and believe that I have all the answers?

I'm now really starting to understand the point of meditation, or even prayer. It's about going to your essence and connecting to that life force, to The Way, to the natural ebb and flow of life which is generally obscured by our own ideas about what we need for our own lives... Those ideas are based on the illusion of the material world, by our limited perceptions and conceptions, based on what we can 'see' - but there is SO much more we cannot see or even perceive with our 5 limited senses.

There is a natural order to life; a natural ebb and flow; a natural balance; a natural perfection... All I need to do is go along with it and I'll be fine!

2006-11-28T23:28:00.000Z

How cool!

So, I look into my inbox today and there I see a comment from Stephen Shapiro, the author of Goal Free Living (www.goalfree.com) who I mentioned a couple of days ago in this blog.

I'm excited about that! Stephen if you are still in London - do get in touch with an email address. If you have any time it would be great to meet you and have a chat about living the goal free life!

Lola

2006-11-26T18:17:00.000Z

"True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing..." - Seneca

I haven't written for a while as I've just been way too busy! *sigh*. Anyway I'm back!

The main focus of my reflection at the moment is about just BEING. I have a serious Type-A personality. I'm a do-er, always striving to do, do and do even more. I'm not very good at just being, at simply inhabiting the space I'm in right now, accepting that where I am is where I'm meant to be. I tend to focus on the next goal, the next achievement, the next step, which stops me from really appreciating and valuing where and who I am and where I've come from.

We also live in a society which encourages us to work 24-7, to fill every second of our lives with activity, to plan and set 'SMART' goals. However, when do we have the chance to appreciate the fruits of our labour or make the most of life if we are constantly doing? Can we ever be satisfied with what we have, if we never take time to appreciate it?

Recently I read a book called 'Goal-Free Living' by Stephen Shapiro (www.goalfree.com) and it really got me thinking. The essence of the book is that it's all good to have goals, and to look ahead, but that being tied to your goals can be limiting and stops you from being able to appreciate the here and now as well as blinding you to unexpected opportunities. The author encourages us to inhabit the space we're in today, to enjoy each step of the journey in the knowledge that we are always headed in the right direction.

This is where I want to be. I want to inhabit myself as I am now, in the knowledge that I'm never lost and that things will work out as they are supposed to - which is always for my benefit in the end. I think my constant focus on 'doing' stems from fear. It stems from a need to control the uncontrollable, to attempt to bring certainty into life which is uncertain by its very nature.

'Being' requires faith, patience, trust and surrender. Faith that everything is always for my highest good in the end and no matter what happens there is always a lesson; patience that things will happen at the right time and that what's happening now is where I'm meant to be now; trust that my needs are met and I don't have to do it all by myself and surrendering my need to control the uncontrollable.

So from now on I'm focussing on BEING who I am today, in the here and now. I am letting go of the tight grip I have (or believe I have!) on my future and will root myself firmly in the present. If you are a type-A personality type, I encourage you to try this too. Wish me luck!!

Great books on this topic:
'The Power of Now' - Eckhart Tolle
'Embracing Uncertainty - Susan Jeffers
'Goal Free Living' - Stephen Shapiro

2006-10-11T15:48:00.000+01:00

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION...

To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act - Anatole France

I wanted to work in the music industry, become a freelance music and entertainments project manager, get great contracts, make contacts... and that's what I'm doing. Yet, I'm still not truly satisfied. I'm making good money, I'm saving, paying off debts and am happy with myself and in my personal life... but there's still a feeling inside that there's more than this. What is that about?

I am grateful, appreciative and feel extremely blessed to be where I am in life, but I think the gnawing feeling is my spirit telling me that I'm not doing what I'm REALLY meant to be doing, that I'm still not being 100% true to my inner dreams and desires. In fact, I know that if I'm ever to be truly fulfilled, I must start taking the steps towards what I really want to do now.

I believe - and know in my heart - that my true purpose is to be a musician. To communicate to the world through my voice and my songs and my musical compositions. (how cheesy is that?!). I believe that by doing that, and using the opportunities that will come to me as a result of that, I will be able to serve my community better, and be more of myself. I will be able to achieve my full potential as a person and to help others achieve their full potential.

I believe that we all have a purpose and that all of our lives have meaning. Our journey through life is to find that purpose and to LIVE that purpose. I know there are many people who have secret dreams and fantasies of living lives that are entirely different from the ones they are currently living, but they are afraid or unsure of moving towards that. Often it's fear holding them back: fear of the unknown, fear of being ridiculed (especially if your dream is something that others might view as fanciful or unrealistic), fear of change or fear that it's all just a silly dream that could never come true anyway even if they tried!

I know that fear has held me back from pursuing my dream in the past. I've tried to hide it, deny it, pretend I don't really want to do it, get a 'proper' job (albeit within the music industry) and done other things - anything to avoid facing up to the fact that I all I really want to do is sing, write songs and film scores and TV music, play music and live my musical life! That fear has kept me feeling sad and disconnected deep down inside.

Finding your purpose is about finding yourself. When you are in touch with who you are fully, you are in touch with what you life can offer you and what you can offer life - all of which contribute to your understanding of what you were put here to do. Knowing I want to be a musician is about knowing myself and who I really am. When we're doing things that we don't really like or that don't satisfy us, it's because we're closed to our true selves and our true nature, closed to our inner callings and inner visions.

So today I'm opening myself up, listening to myself, listening to my dreams, encouraging and supporting myself and believing that I can and will achieve them. This is how I will continue to walk towards my true purpose in life... and then - and only then - will I really find true satisfaction.

Have a great weekend!
Lola xx

2006-09-29T18:36:00.000+01:00

ENJOY THE RIDE...

I've always been a bit of a control freak, working feverishly to do my best, be the best, and get the best that life that has to offer. It has paid off in many ways, but has also come with anxiety and worry because beneath all of that is the fear that if I don't control everything my life will fall apart. Going with the flow has certainly never been a strong point of mine!

I realised last year that my control freakiness was not necessarily a good thing and actually wasn't something I needed to do. It was, in fact, a response to growing up in a chaotic environment where I had little or no control over things that happened to me. Working hard to control what I could worked when I was 16...but as an adult it was causing me stress. I had to get to the point where I could just trust and believe that if I loosened my grip, the world would still turn and that everything would still be OK.

Well, how did I learn to do that, since I'd never done that before? Well, I just tried it to see what would happen! I didn't set any goals for 6 months and just decided to live for the day (as much as I could!). I was scared and nervous... but the beauty is that unexpected - and wonderful - things happened to me.

I realised that most of what happens to us is never planned and life by it's very nature is uncertain. We can have ideas, plans and goals, but we can never predict or control life's twists or turns - only our reactions to them. You will never be at peace if your feelings of security and safety are based on trying to control the future when the truth is that we actually don't know what will happen in the next 5 minutes or even the next 5 seconds.

This time last year I had no idea that I would be moving to South Africa for 6 months, but the opportunity came up and the experience was great. I also didn't know at the beginning of the year that I would be working as a Project Manager on a major international live music event but that's what I'm doing now and it's fantastic.

There is no doubt that we influence and shape our lives every single day through the decisions and choices we make, and the thoughts and belief systems that we walk around with. The opportunity to go to South Africa came up, but it was also a a result of my efforts in the particular job I was doing. Actually going there was totally to do with my choice to take up the offer and being open minded and courageous enough to step outside of my comfort zone. The key is balance: it would be foolish to say that I'm just 'going with the flow' and take no action. (and after all, no action is still a choice).

It sounds cheesy but I also looked at the world around me, at the flowers, the trees and at nature. I saw that there is no force on nature's part yet the flowers still bloom, the sun still rises every day and day turns to night so effortlessly. I can't imagine the flowers shouting at themselves, saying 'Grow, grow, grow!'. They don't need to... they know it's going to happen anyway. One day at a time, one minute at a time... and all at the right time.

I also realised that I was practising trust and faith every day without realising it... For example, I trusted every night that when I went to bed, I'd wake up in the morning and that when I left my house, I would return again...So it wouldn't be that hard really to trust that everything would be ok without my trying to manipulate it.

So now my focus is on influencing my life in the direction in which I would like it to go, by thinking positive and self-supporting thoughts, and making choices and decisions that take me closer to where I want to be. More importantly, I believe and trust that my life will turn out for the best and for good anyway, without me clutching and clinging to it.

Through my reading and counselling, I know that what you think directly influences your actions, and therefore your life. Thoughts are self-fulfilling prophecies. They filter your view to focus on the thing that you are thinking, which then appears to confirm that your original thought was right. I used to believe that everything was down to me, I had to do it all on my own and there was nothing or noone to fall back on, and my life reflected my thoughts back to me - as life always does. So i chose to think differently... and funnily enough now my life reflects back to me what I now believe: that I can trust in myself to handle anything that comes my way, and that everything will ultimately work out for the best... so I can relax and enjoy the ride...

2006-09-25T18:28:00.000+01:00

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

That quote is deep... and something I struggle with every day. It's been a long and hard road for me to get to self-belief and even now I still fight with those demons in my head who say 'who do you think you are?' when I am attempting to think well of myself.

When starting this blog, I began to hear this creepy little voice. It said 'who do you think you to are to write all this stuff? You don't have a perfect life... You're only 25, what do you know about life?...Why do you think anyone would be interested in what you have to say?' etc etc and on and on... And I had to consciously counter the voice with positive and loving things, such as 'I'm not actually trying to tell anyone to live their lives, I'm just writing about what I think and that's ok'.

Very often, I ask myself 'who do I think I am?'. Who do I think I am to believe that I'm wonderful and talented and beautiful? According to 'society', there's some kind of committee that needs to give me a stamp of approval to say that I'm ok! Once I'm a size 8, with a million pounds in the bank, a footballer for a boyfriend, a wardrobe bursting with the latest 'In Style' fashion and on the front page of OK magazine then apparently I'll be ok!

I've realised (after reading a LOT of self help! haha!) that I don't need anyone's approval or validation to believe and think highly of myself. Believing less of myself doesn't help me and it doesn't help the world. Society didn't create me or put me on this earth - so why should I look to anyone else to say it's ok for me to be me?!

Who do I think I am? I think I'm great! And I am - because I say I am!

2006-09-25T18:07:00.000+01:00

WELCOME TO MY WORLD...

Hey peoples, thanks for checking out 'Reflections'...

I'd just like to say that these are MY reflections on life... my thoughts, feelings and ideas. I'm not telling anyone how to live their lives, or saying that I'm some Buddah-person living a life of enlightenment.

Like everyone, I too have my weaknesses, vulnerabilities and bad days...

But I do like to ponder on these things and this blog is essentially my musings... Feel free to argue, disagree, comment (and also say some nice things!) if you so wish.

I have been through some hard times in my short life, but thinking about creating a better life for myself and getting over the hurdles and obstacles have helped me navigate through it all and I'd like to think I'm a better person for all the reading, thinking and writing that I've done over the years.

If this site helps you, that's great. I hope it does. It helps me that's for sure!

Let me know what you think anyway.
Lola xx

2006-09-25T17:37:00.000+01:00

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

"If you don't like the fruit, look at the roots" - Herv T Eker

Why is it that when we don't like something about ourselves, our lives, or what's going on around us, we go on a diet, buy more clothes, find yet another lover, get drunk, take drugs or watch TV?

Why is it so difficult to look ourselves squarely in the eye and asking what's REALLY going on? What are we afraid we're going to find?

If the fruit on a tree is bad, you don't cut off the branch and expect the tree to produce better fruit... You look at the roots, at the seed. We're no different. If you're broke, if you're down in the dumps, if you feel hopeless, look at the root causes and the real issues. What are you thinking about yourself that is making you feel so bad? What are you doing - or not doing - that is causing unwanted things in your life?

Does losing weight really deal with your feelings of unworthiness? Does getting drunk really make you feel better about yourself? Does a new man really make you feel valuable deep inside?

Of course not - these are all just temporary covers. And once you're eating normally, single again or enduring a hangover you feel just the same as you did before.

So just for today - let's get to the heart of the matter. Dig deep and replace those damaged roots with some new and positive ones that are going to bear the type of fruit that you really want.

2006-09-25T17:12:00.000+01:00

THE POWER TO CHOOSE

" Life is a sum of all your choices" - Albert Camus

It's easy to feel like a victim. It's easy to to blame our past, our relationships, that ex-boyfriend who made us feel like crap, that schoolteacher who told us that we'd never be any good, the weather, or the size of our thighs for making us feel less-than, worthless, de-valued and insecure.

But each time we blame something or someone else, we give away our power...We are saying it's their fault that we feel the way we do, when the truth is that they are not responsible for our feelings - only we make thatdecision.

It's up to me whether I feel bad, sad or happy about my life because our very power is the power to choose. Our power is our ability to choose our response to life, to choose to be happy, to choose to see the positive, to choose to act out of love, to choose to put the past where it firmly belongs (in the past) and live in the here and now.

Yes, maybe our parents were not all they could have been when we were growing up. Yes, maybe it hurt us and made us feel bad, unloved and unlovable. Yes, maybe love has really hurt you and has not been all that you thought it would be...But what are we going to do about it today?

Are we going to choose to live in the past and carry it around with us like a bag lady? Are we going to choose to keep on repeating old hurts over and over again?Or are you going to choose to look into yourself, examine your past and have some counselling so that you can move on (which is just one of a myriad of options)? Are you going to decide that no matter what, you will have and be different and live life in the way that YOU want? That's your power! The power to decide and the power to choose!

Shit happens. That's life. Life isn't and never has been fair. But you can always choose. No matter what, you ALWAYS have the power to choose. That means that no matter what, no matter how much you might even like to feel like a victim, you never are. Everytime you respond to a situation, you are choosing to respond to it in that way because there is an infinite possibility of other ways in which you could have responded.

Do you know what this power means? It means that you need never be miserable again. It means you can always pick yourself up off the ground if there are bad times. It means that you are always in control. It means that noone can ever destroy your peace of mind. It means that you can live the best life that you are destined to live. So today look at the ways in which you have chosen to give away your power and take it back...

Who are you bitching about today? Who - or what - is it that you feel is standing in the way of your happiness? Take back your power and remember that you can always do, think and have different if you only choose to.

(c) Lola Adesioye 2006